#the naivete or arrogance depending on how you read it

[ochnoe]

I am once more thinking about Him (Zerxus Ilerez)

[benisasoftboi]

Just got back from the first night of the Birmingham stop on The Book of Mormon’s current UK tour. Notes:

So Kevin Clay and Connor Peirson as Price and Cunningham - unsurprisingly, both very good, as this is hardly their first stint in those roles. But I’d never seen either of them live before, so that was exciting (UPDATE: someone correctly pointed out that Clay has left and it was actually Robert Colvin. I read the wrong cast list. I’m dumb)

Colvin reminded me a lot of Robert Manion, who I now realise I really, really want to see as Price (I’ve said before that I want Lauren Lopez to play McKinley in the style of Draco Malfoy, can you imagine? Throw in AJ Holmes as Cunningham since he’s done it before, maybe Tiffany Williams as Naba, and Corey Dorris as Mafala, and you’ve got my nerdy dreamcast)

I like that Colvin makes the role his own (some Prices reeeally try to be Andrew Rannells, which I don’t like - I want to see how YOU do it!)

I’ve noticed there are, broadly, two ways the role of Price can be approached, and different Prices will fall somewhere on a spectrum between them. Price has two defining characteristics - he’s very naive, and he’s very arrogant. Actors generally choose one of the two to emphasise. The first is more common, having Price be a very sincere character - he’s definitely self centred, but above anything else he does mean well. He seriously believes in everything he’s doing, and is genuinely crushed and beaten down over the course of the story, only to regain his optimism at the end in a new, more mature form. With this approach, Price’s character arc is primarily about him learning to be more realistic. The other approach is to focus on his arrogance and minimise the naivete. This Price is fully aware that his situation is shitty, and he’s not happy about it. His optimism is a front so people won’t realise how annoyed he is, and it’s desperation to find something that proves that he’s as incredible as he thinks he is that drags him into misery after misery. He is self interested above all else, and it’s only when he learns to care about and listen to other people that he gets to be happy. This Price’s arc is primarily about him learning that he’s not actually the greatest human alive, and that other people matter too

I’ve seen both versions of Price, and others that fall somewhere between (Rannells is probably the most middle ground, unsurprisingly, as he’s the originator). Colvin leans on the naive side, but with just enough immature whining and self-aggrandising that he’s not quite at the extreme (of the Prices I’ve personally seen, the naive extreme is Adam Bailey. The arrogant extreme is Stephen Rolley)  

Side note, is it not SO COOL that the same character, with the same script, can have a totally different journey based nothing more than subtle changes to line delivery, facial expressions and general demeanour? I love theatre

Little things - he greeted his dad in Spooky Mormon Hell Dream, his All American Prophet was fantastic, and he tried to make the General dance with him

Connor Peirson is excellent at physical comedy. Cunningham is another role where the actors sometimes try to be the originator, and again this was thankfully not done

His final name for Naba was ‘Nigel Farage’, which is pretty standard for UK productions, but it always kills, and tonight was no exception

His Cunningham was a little more low key and sassy than I’ve seen others do, which was interesting

Tom Xander is probably still my favourite Cunningham, mostly because he’s the only one who’s ever managed to act like a convincing 19 year old in my eyes - but that’s just personal preference, Peirson is still very, very good

I LOVED this Nabulungi, played by Nicole-Lily Baisden. She’s far more mature than I’ve ever seen a Naba before, and I honestly really like it. It made the character feel a bit deeper

Her Sal Tlay Ka Siti was much less idealistic and much more desperate than most are, and she was generally pretty serious up until Baptise Me - which makes that song so much sweeter, because we’re getting to see her softer side 

Baptise Me was an audience favourite tonight (though I noticed that they got the water on her dress in the wrong place, oops)

Naba being more serious also makes the Hasa Diga Eebowai reprise that much sadder

She wore a different outfit in Hasa Diga Eebowai than she does in the West End? A pink dress as opposed to a shirt and shorts. I like the West End outfit better

Also, the build up to that song was amusing for me because it was very obvious who in the audience had seen the show before based on when they started laughing at the title phrase

McKinley! I was super excited for this because of the main cast, he’s the only one I’d only ever seen one actor portray (live) (don’t misunderstand, I love Stevie Webb a lot, but it’s fun to see other people’s takes as well). And... I love William Hawksworth a lot too

Not sure if Colvin is tall or Hawksworth is short, but there was a full head’s worth of height difference between them

Also he was not wearing a blue tie, what the hell, how else am I supposed to pick him out when I’m too poor to afford seats where I can properly see their faces

McKinley is yet another character who came across as more serious than usual in this production. He felt older than Webb’s McKinley, and was less sassy and bitchy. But he was also, it should be noted, much, much more camp

Hawksworth’s Moroni, though? Sassy little shit

His delivery of the ‘I have it nightly’ line is my favourite I’ve ever heard. He says it very matter-of-factly, like he doesn’t even realise how messed up it is. Some try to play it up as sad, which I don’t think is in character, he should either do this, or show some awareness that it’s bad, but be trying to brush it off. His whole thing is denial, after all

McPriceley watch: He was very forward with Price, taking every opportunity to get in his personal space, especially on ‘was I in it’. He was visibly grumpy about ‘oh no, I’m not having gay thoughts’. Almost kiss had him notice that Price had put his hand on his arm, and then it was like his brain lagged, he didn’t even try to lean into it until Price had already walked away. Not my favourite take on it, but not bad. Also a little Hell Dream flirting

But, oddly enough, he kind of seemed to have a little thing going with Elder Michaels, of all people (McMichaels?)

And also (and I loved this) the moment Cunningham started doing his prophet thing, he started flirting with Cunningham instead of Price. It was honestly really cute. But like, what a little-

Both he and Price were hit in the face by streamers during Joseph Smith American Moses (where he seemed more irritated by what was happening than anything else). Also, the Mission President was visibly into that song (at first), which I haven’t personally seen done before

He hammed it up a lot in the Hell Dream, blowing kisses and everything

In more general stuff, this particular theatre is designed in such a way that the lighting in You and Me (But Mostly Me) looked better than I’ve ever seen it, go just for that

My audience really loved both Joseph Smith American Moses and Hasa Diga Eebowai. It’s always interesting seeing shows in different places, because different jokes tend to land better depending on where you are. This trip has backed up my previous experiences with going to shows in Birmingham, which is that everyone in this city has a sick sense of humour. It’s great

But they also tend to react really strongly to emotional stuff, lots of awwing Naba and Cunningham. They also really liked the dancing in Two By Two

There was an audible ‘oh NO’ from somewhere in the audience when Naba announced the play. There was also an audible ‘his SUITCASE’ in reference to McKinley at the end (the suitcase was also different from what I’ve seen before, it’s pink on a black background)

There were some mistakes in Spooky Mormon Hell Dream - Price missed his final line, and McKinley’s jacket came undone at the back. He tried to fix it several times to no avail. He probably would have preferred me not have been watching him the whole time, but I like seeing how actors deal with that sort of thing, so sorry, William Hawksworth, but I saw it all. Sincere well done for keeping it professional as you desperately tried to subtly reach around your own back

Ran into an actual Mormon outside who tried to recruit me

So overall, if you’re still here after all that - this is a really, really good production! Go see it if you live in the Birmingham area! 

Final note - Webb always dabs when the curtain falls. Always. I kept my eyes on Hawksworth. He disco dances. I don’t know who I hate more

[crystalelemental]

Honestly, the more I think about Sanae's ratings in the recent Strange Creators in Outer World, the more interesting I find them.  Particularly the gods.

Let's start with the less prominent ones.  Sanae rates the Aki sisters particularly low, but almost entirely because they're lacking in flair for gods.  She'd probably give higher marks if they weren't so mundane. Which, generally, is telling of Sanae as a person.  She has a flair for the dramatic, and think it's important to have that flashiness overall.  More on that later.

Then we have Hina, her lowest ranked.  This rating seems to be similar, but her commentary is "how is she different from a youkai?"  This is a question that's come up before, in UFO.  Byakuren talks with Sanae about this exact thing, implying that gods and youkai are incredibly similar, and the only difference is how they're treated by humans.  Obviously there's a larger difference in how they function, but Sanae's question here is pretty significant.  How are the gods different from youkai?  I remember reading an analysis of Minamitsu Murasa's character that talked about her transition from a human who died and became a ghost, then became feared for her association with drowning and sinking of ships and transitioned to a youkai based on this.  The underlying sentiment was that the boundaries between species is not all that significant, and that youkai could become different species over time depending on how humans interact with them.  In a sense, youkai are youkai because they are feared, gods are gods because they're revered, but there's still a healthy dose of fear in that respect for gods, so maybe there's the link?  It may just be that Hina, as a god that collects curses, is more likely to be outright feared in Sanae's mind than revered?  I dunno.   It's just a neat talking point.

As for herself, Kanako, and Suwako, I still think these ratings are the most interesting, and even more so within the context of her approach to the Aki sisters.  Sanae seems to have quite the ego, and thinks very highly of herself, giving near perfect marks at a 9.5/10.  What I find interesting is that she's only at a 9.5/10.  In a way, it almost comes off as an attempt at humility, but I think there's an actual hint of humility behind it, if only by comparison.  In her own ranking, she talks about how she's still learning from Kanako and Suwako, but is doing her best.  She seems proud of herself and her abilities, and believes she's well on her way to becoming a powerful god herself.  But she's still not at the top yet.   No, that perfect ranking goes to Kanako, who Sanae believes to be well above her still.

But then there's Suwako.  Suwako gets a 9/10.  Sanae, despite acknowledging that Suwako is still teaching her, rates Suwako below her, and comments that she could probably overtake Suwako's role.  This is interesting, because the other ratings all know full well that Suwako is the stronger god, yet Sanae interprets her as the lesser god, and Kanako the better.  Why is that?  Well, I think it comes from how she interprets the significance of being a god.

While Suwako is the stronger of the two, Kanako is the public face that interacts most with humans and youkai and gathers faith for the shrine. Suwako provides the miracles, but Kanako puts on the show that gets them the powers to pull it off.  It comes back to why Sanae ranked the Aki sisters so low: fanfare.  Kanako has an incredible talent for dramatic flare.  Remember the ropeway thing?  She knows how to put on a show.  Suwako is involved with this, but is often the one playing the more mundane role.  In a sense, Suwako wouldn't be able to gather near as much faith without Kanako's assistance; that's why their partnership works out so well.  Sanae, who's being trained by both, is now in a position of learning what being a god means, and how she's expected to present herself. Based on that,s he's learning two things at once: the application of divine miracles, and the business angle of managing how to gather faith to sustain her abilities.  Considering their talents, Suwako likely emphasizes the divine miracles, while Kanako likely teaches the business angle.  The rest is in how Sanae received their teaching.

Sanae has the ability to perform miracles.   That's her entire thing.  Suwako, who would be the likely teacher for these miracles, may be the one whose teachings Sanae feels like she knows.  "Yes, I know mom, I've made miracles before."  It's also the less flashy aspect of the job, and if there's one aspect of Sanae's personality that we get from all this, it's that she has that appreciation for the dramatic.  Which is likely why Kanako is the one she sees as the best.  Kanako's teachings are likely the ones she not only feels she doesn't have down, but the ones she'd want to learn most.  Sanae considers that dramatic flare, that majesty, to be what's more important for a god.  Not that she's wrong; those shows are what gather so much faith, which fuels her miracles and continued existence. Kanako does the cool stuff, Suwako teaches the boring foundational skills.  And Sanae, who's shown to have quite the ego, probably thinks she's past the basics Suwako would have to teach.  She doesn't need to learn how to make miracles; she already knows, and she can probably do them better than her teacher now with all the progress she's made!  I'm sure if she told that to others, they'd call her crazy, but that's how I interpreted the ratings and commentary.  She respects both enough to give them significantly better ratings than the rest of the cast, but she's likely reached a point where she feels she can perform what Suwako does, and possibly better.  To me, it's youthful naivete and arrogance, where she believes she's surpassed her teacher, but only because the stuff she's being taught is stuff she feels she knows.  Basically, a situation of not knowing how far you have left to go and how much is left to learn.  I could always be wrong, but that's how I interpreted everything.

[relationshipanarchywithoutchaos]

Relationship Competence, Part 1

Read any number of forum posts or reddit submissions and you’ll see people asking “why does polyamory have to be so hard?” or “why is monogamy so hard?” The hard truth of the matter is that polyamory and monogamy are both difficult because relationships are difficult. And the reason why relationships are difficult is because being able to have a relationship is a form of skill, talent, or ability, and most people have different levels of skill or ability which can take many different forms.

Stages of Competence

We can look at this concept through many different lenses. Today, let’s look at the four stages of competence, where we can find some correlation to how people approach relationships.  Here are a few examples of behavior for each stage:

Unconscious Incompetence - practices assumptive behavior; poor or no communication; no emotional ownership; general shitty/selfish behavior; lack of awareness of one’s own weaknesses and thus being unable to change them; potential to blame others for one’s own weaknesses. Key words: naivete, ignorance, grandstanding

Conscious Incompetence - realizes that they make mistakes but doesn’t know how to prevent or correct them yet; apologies for being awkward; wants to be better; open to criticism but not always accepting of it; sometimes will use their incompetence as a crutch or selling point. Key words: awkwardness, ambition, recklessness

Conscious Competence - understands and employs effective strategies; vocalizes and/or is explicit about desires, needs, and insecurities; strives for consistency in ethical attitudes regardless of the type of relationship (sexual, romantic, platonic, business, familial, etc.), even if the level of importance or investment is not consistent; open to constructive criticism; practices self-critique; uses scheduling techniques for time management. Key words: timidity, expertise, malice

Unconscious Competence - communication, self-critiquing, time management, and consistent application become autonomic in nature; can be assumptive in that everything they are doing works correctly in all cases. Key words: instinct, talent, arrogance

Avoiding the Competence Trap

A lot of the images that one could search for about the four stages of competence show a hierarchy or progression, where one goes from Unconscious Incompetence to Unconscious Competence. This may do well for building technical, artistic, financial, language or culinary skills, but the skill in Managing a Relationship between Chris and Pat could be as different from skill in Managing a Relationship between Chris and Taylor as learning French is to learning how to trade stocks.

If one reads the first description of Unconscious Competence, it sounds like the ideal destination of skill or ability. While this may be true for something routine, it eschews dynamism and can lead to stagnation. For example, one can be an unconsciously competent artist and do nothing but draw caricatures or business logos every day for the rest of their life, but never become a better artist because the work they perform isn’t challenging them.

Imagine a individual who has several long-term partners of varying degrees of affection and entanglement. Suddenly this person meets someone new. They may automatically apply what is already working in their existing relationships to this new relationship. If this new person in their life doesn’t respond the same way as the other partners do, the results could be disastrous. Thus, Unconscious Competence could become Unconscious Incompetence in a matter of a few awkward moments of miscommunication or unintentional expectations.

As is often mentioned in other articles, the (often unconscious, sometimes conscious) negotiations between two people at the early stage of a relationship can determine what previously learned skills can apply to this new relationship, and which deficiencies or new requirements have to be addressed in order for a relationship to grow.  This starts the beginning of a feedback loop which will continue during the entire length of the relationship as it adjusts and mutates with interaction and experiences.

Mistaking Conscious Competence for Unconscious Competence

We marvel at the skills of professional athletes, chefs on television who make it look easy, and artists who generate masterpieces in short order. Some of us even think “well hell, I can do that” when they see it in practice.  What we don’t see, however, is the time, education, preparation, and exercise that went into honing and focusing that skill. So when we see someone else able to accomplish something effortlessly, we tend to ignore the fact that every day, out of our view, they’re still practicing the fundamentals, working rough drafts, untraining bad habits, and experimenting with new techniques in an environment that allows them to fail and try again without it affecting their records or reputations. For relationships, the equivalent of this practice or exercise is open, honest discussion with partners, friends, and other members of the community. And just like in other endeavors like sports, medicine, finance, or art, the consciously competent can spot the wannabe, poser or fraud by examining their practices (or lack thereof). They can also spot the individual who genuinely wants to be better and admit the skills they lack, and may choose to offer advice and encouragement.

Incompetence as a Virtue

Regarded as an informal logical fallacy, the idea that incompetence could be a virtue has some interesting implications. Not having any knowledge or expertise in an area could mean they are a clean slate, ready to learn whatever will help them improve. They could also learn bad behaviors as a result, depending on the conditions of their teaching.

It’s also sometimes seen to be desirable not to be tainted by experience or education. In some ways, this can lead to some incredible innovations, but usually it just leads to disappointment (as is the case with many politicians) or the Dunning-Kruger effect, where someone who doesn’t know how things work has more confidence in their (lack of) expertise than someone who is actually an expert.  Confidence can be very sexy if it helps one succeed, but resorting to luck or the skills of others isn’t always the best approach, especially when it comes to the inclusion of another person, such as is done with relationships. That incompetence becomes recklessness, and many individuals won’t put up with a person who treats their relationship like a practice session only for the benefit of themselves.

Competence as a Bludgeon

Competence can lead to abusive or unethical behavior as much as incompetence can, if improperly applied. Where an individual with unconscious incompetence is simply ignorant in what they’re doing wrong, a competent individual knows all the tricks and shortcuts of their skills, and can abuse, manipulate, gaslight and/or employ unethical behavior in their relationships. If consciously competent, this would be considered malicious intent; if unconsciously competent, arrogant know-it-all-ism.

There’s a meta-competence to be examined within competence, in self-critiquing. Instead of immediately brushing off a criticism as wrong, i.e. “That can’t be true, I’m competent!”, one would need to ask, “Could they be right? Could I have been doing it wrong this whole time?”

Competence as Privilege

It’s important to recognize that their are concerns of privilege when it comes to competence, particularly when it comes to relationships. The privileged are going to be more likely to have help in becoming competent, and certain disabilities or social inhibitors can interfere or prevent competence. A person who works three part-time jobs may have never have the time they need to grow or improve their relationship competence, because they barely have time for a relationship at all. A person with developmental or social disabilities may lack the capacity to become competent as well, depending on the patience of those they are in relationships with.

There’s a fine line here. The competent individual should not look down upon an underprivileged person for their incompetence, but neither should they assume that a person is incompetent because they are underprivileged.

Conclusion

Being in a relationship is not a small or easy thing. One should never take it for granted or assume that all relationships fit into the same box. As you engage in your relationship with another person, regardless of the details of that relationship:

strive to understand your strengths and weakness

open a dialogue with your partners about how you can do better in the relationship (and encourage them to look for areas of improvement)

be explicit in your desires, needs, and insecurities

be a good example to others, without setting expectations

challenge yourself to grow beyond your current state of being

respect others as they try to grow beyond their current states

recognize and call out undesirable, manipulative, or abusive behaviors, especially if you see them in yourself